An Honest Mistake (Earlier Version)

[ Before anything. I found this under my 'Drafts' and I've been meaning to post it once upon a time. I think this was from 2-3 months ago. Another apology note (i guess). So, yeah :) ]

I'm sorry, among all of the people in the world, you had me. I was never good enough. I was always at the bottom line. And you always had high hopes on me. I'm sorry I couldn't meet to your expectations. I'm sorry that all I ever do is fail in your eyes.

I'm sorry for not always being there for you. I'm always too busy with studies and family. Maybe you don't feel it but I do. I miss you loads and I can't wait til we get to catch up. I apologize if I've ever rotted in your house for too long, eaten all your snacks and crackers, made you feel sad and let you hold it in for too long, slapped you too hard when we were making jokes... I really miss hanging out with you. But, hey! We're going to see each other soon right? You are one of those friends who never gave up on me. I'm sorry that you have to put up with my rants and sad stories. I apologize if i tend to revolve the world around me. I talk too much, about my problems, my likes and my dislikes. And, sometimes I feel like I never pay attention to you as much  as you do to me. You were always so patient when I smacked you a little too hard, when I made hurtful comments, when I tend to cry over the most wittiest things. I'm sorry for all that I've done and for all that I am. I'm sorry if I'm not good enough to be your friend.

As days past, feelings fade. Rain and tears wash the pain away. I'm stronger now and I know what to expect the next time I fall. You are my best friend, now and forever. I hope that we stay this way. I'm sorry If I'm a little too harsh on the words that I say. My past behaviors when I was angry was very unacceptable. I shouldn't have given you high hopes and delicate dreams. I hope you have forgave me for my mistakes. To be honest, I miss how we would talk for ages. How we would talk to each other til the middle of the night. I miss that. I guess it's the time for us to split ways. I still hope that you forgive me for every part of my soul that has ever done wrong to you. Buddies for life?

Someone who I've waited for years. Someone who I thought was the best. You were always in the back of my brain. Always in my sight in the moonlights glow. I constantly have the need to talk to you. I always feel like I want you in my life. I always get you pissed because I annoy you a whole awful lot. I get pissed at you as well when you tend to text me back a little too slow or, at times, don't reply me at all. I don't even know why I would feel such a way when you and I are not even an item. Maybe the cold truth that I have to face is that, you don't want me in your life. Whatever your choice is, I respect that. I'll be out your door as fast as my heart can go. I'll pick up the pieces and hold myself together. But, please note that you are always more than welcome to enter my life.

An Honest Mistake

"I know I'm probably much too late, to try and apologize for my mistakes. I just want you to know."

-When I Was Your Man, Bruno Mars.

Hello readers. 

Apologies I have yet to make. The list goes on and on. 

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging. I've been caught up with so many things. Studies, extra curricular activities, literature play... Lets just say having to go home at 5 pm almost everyday isn't exactly the best thing I have ever done in my life. With the play and all happening... stress, emotional breakdowns, misunderstandings...

I'm sorry I was angry. I'm sorry that every single thing that happened for the past year has been pissing me off. Every little fight made me go crazy. It's the middle of the year now. I don't expect people to accept my apology, because, really, I'm a criminal. I might as well be executed for my wrong doings. I'm sorry that the words that I typed were slightly (no, really it was actually REALLY) harsh. I wrote it out of anger and frustration. I wrote it out of pain and misery. What other place to dump it in other than my blog: a place for people to hear me out, right? WRONG. I guess that's not what a blog is for. A blog is for you to recommend places to shop, foods to eat, etc. 

I'm sorry that you have to handle my crap all day. I noticed how much I'm not there for you most of the time. How I don't understand your emotion. How I can't relate to you. I really am terrible at being a friend. I feel like I should do more. I feel like I am a worthless person to be called a buddy. But, I'll try. I'll try to listen; not hear. I'll try to understand as much as possible. I'll be more like you. A person who listens, who understands, who knows what its like, who will stand by you through every challenge possible without fail. Thank you for sticking around even if I was pain in the butt.

I'm sorry to you for being the reason I got angry. I would blame PMS but... everyone goes ballistic when they reach their breaking point, be it men or women. It's not you that made me angry, it's what you did. I don't hate you, I hate what you did. I'm sorry that I got angry for who you are. I'm sorry that I didn't realize how much I would affect the people around me, especially you. I don't expect you to change. I don't expect you to accept my apology. But from the bottom of my heart. I really am sorry. 

I don't expect you to accept my apology, really. I just want you to hear me out for the last time. I want you to know what I feel. I want you to understand what you put me through. I also want to thank you for making me a stronger person each day. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for existing. Each person that walks into my life leaves a mark, be it good or bad, and I appreciate every soul for it.

"The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest."





The feelings stay. No matter how mad I am at you, you still do mean the world to me. All of you.

I Can't Find The Words To Say.

The walls crumble,
you tumble down on the rocks,
those that you've built out of pain and regrets,
the pain you endure,
with a heavy heart.

You weep of the pain,
the suffering,
the feelings you try to hide,
hiding behind a mask of smiles,
that is slowly tearing apart.

You wash away the rocks of pain,
with tears streaming down your pale white skin,
like the waves of tsunami,
taking along the houses and cars away,
like the pain you feel today,

"Tomorrow is a new day, 
a new start to a new chapter,
a new me, a new mask,
but let this one be sincere"
The words running through your mind,
I suppose.

What do I see in a person like you?
A person with a heart that's pure and true,
you always have my back when I needed you,
supporting me in whatever I do,
"that's what makes you, YOU"

We're all growing up,
older and wiser,
we can't even, really, rely on each other.
For, we all have to learn how to live on our own,
facing the challenges when the days have gone.

Before you carry on with your life ahead,
stand up, stand tall,
be strong, be who you are,
I'll still be here when ever you need me,
look to the floor, maybe you'll see me.

You're stronger now. Trust that.
Miss you to bits, buddy. ♥

{I Dont Have A Title}

Hello readers. This one is going to be shorter than usual. Why? Because I have not much to concern about the person I'm writing about. Also, I apologize that I have not been posting lately because I've been busy. Will post more ASAP :D

"I don't know what song to put here because really I don't care about you anymore"

-Insert Title Here, Insert Singer Here.

Dear you, 

You have gotten me through nothing but trouble. Since a long time ago, since we reconnected, since you were my best friend. Yeah, it made me happy, it made me have new experience... but I always got in trouble in the end. I do regret telling you my problems. One of the definite reasons would be because you never actually listened. You've changed. I get it that you're in a mess with your life, but you don't have to take it out on your "friends". 

You could say anything that you want. you could burn my spirits down. you could push me all around. but this time, I will not stand still. I'm stronger now, and I have you to thank. Really. I do. Without you, I wouldn't know what "Hate" truly is. Since you have almost all my secrets in your hands, it's your choice what you want to do with it. Do you want to blackmail me? Threaten me? Spread it to the world? At the end of the day, the jokes on you. Whatever I have about you will not be On-Air. I understand my boundaries of giving information. 


I apologize for the mistakes that I've done. For being a pain in your ass. For butting in to your business. For trying to save you from repeating your mistakes. I know that my life is pretty messed up too and I have to understand where I stand. But, sometimes, you don't mind the pain to see others happy. But, if you're not willing to accept my apology, so be it. 

So, I unfollowed you. I took your advice ;) you told me that if I hated you so much, why not right? :P I got the guts to actually do it instead of waiting... Like you :P It's funny how you think that all the tweets that I post are about you. It's funny that you are making such a big fuss about what we used to be. I'm tired of you already. So, I moved on. I'm taking a faster pace than you. Getting you out of my life was very, VERY stress relieving. 

This is your cue to get your friends to unfollow me, not talk to me, hate on me for no reason. Just so you know, the two people that unfollowed you, other than me, didn't do it because I told them to, it's because they too are tired of the way you have been treating them. 

PS: See you in school :)

Mend My Soul.

"Like the stars hold the moon, right there where they belong"

-When I Look At You, Miley Cyrus

The morning light from the lightly tinted window pane blinded my eyes. I turned to face my soul mate and cuddled up against its softness. Pillow, I love you; now and forever. After rolling around for about 10 minutes, I finally decided on getting out of bed. I slid my feet into my fluffy blue bunny slippers and picked up my watch on the side desk. Funny, the time showed 2008... I'll just need to go to the shop later. My vision was still a blur but I managed to head to the front of my door. The door knob was cold when I turned it to head out. The sound of music and sizzles filled my ear. I was greeted with the smell of good smelling bacon and eggs. A smile plastered across my face. Nothing beats the smell of breakfast in the morning, I thought as I stepped into the kitchen.

Cadence was already whipping something up for us. She HAS to be the best chef around campus. No one can beat what she cooks. I took in the sight of the room. Aria was sitting at the front couch with her guitar and song sheets. Hm… must be one of those morning inspirations. She was still in her pajamas like me but she as usual managed to pull off a way better look than I would ever. Harmony was at her usual spot of the table already bathed and holding up her phone. I bet she’s gotten herself into another one of those Wattpad stories again. 

I sat across the kitchen table and placed my head lightly on the table. My eyes slowly fluttered to dreamland. Before the ship set sailed, “AAAHHHH~!!!” the screech from Harmony burst my eardrums. Cadence dropped an egg to the floor and Aria plucked on the wrong note. Somebody needs to control her chaos!

“Are you crazy?! I could have gotten deaf thanks to you!” I pouted as I looked at her directly in the eyes. She ignored my words. “Darren asked Danni to be with him! Aw!” She melted after reading that sentence. The other two girls gushed along with her. I rolled my eyes. Romance is just too mainstream sometimes. All the stories would start off as a person who’s just mediocre that will fall in love with a really popular guy, which should be in either the football team or the baseball team. The guy realizes that he is falling for the wrong girl all this while and… BAM! Instant love.

I dragged my feet across the room and away from the crazy nuts I live with to take a bath. As soon as I was done, I was greeted with the horrible jungle I called my room. That’s it. No more messy Melody. I turned up my stereo to some amazing songs. I grabbed the vacuum and the duster. Removed my bed sheets and curtains and placed them in the laundry basket. Well, at the side of it since it won’t fit. My dirty clothes were placed at the rightful place. My books were rearranged and my desk was clear as crystal. Not literally though. 

I just noticed that all I was wearing was my robe and a towel on my head. I walked up to my wardrobe and realized that there was ANOTHER mess. I breathed in and let out a loud sigh. I picked up the pace and determined on the clothes that were still good and those that were good to be gone. I pulled out a new bed sheet and placed it on the bed. A new colored curtain was placed on the desk, purple doesn't seem too bad of a color. I will attend to you shortly, I spoke to myself, as if they were going to understand. 

After the curtains were up, bed sheets were spread, table was cleared, wardrobe was tidied up, I reached for a white colored t-shirt and a pair of three quarter white pants. I dried my hair and tied it up with a crocodile clip. Before closing the doors behind me, I smiled at what a good job I've done. The laundry was the last thing I had to do. I went to the laundry room which was just across Harmony’s room. The girls were all cuddled up in their blankets watching another romance movie I suppose. I shook my head and separated the light's from the dark's  “Anyone want me to wash their laundries as well?” I waited for a while. “Anyone…?” A long pause was heard. “I guess that’s a no.” I shrugged as I removed any scrap paper in the pockets, a habit that I happen to have. 

I was emptying the pockets of an old pair of pants that I haven’t touched for a long while. I wonder when was the last time I wore these? I stuffed my fingers into the deep pockets to find a pink paper with words scribbled on it. The words were obviously my writing since it rather peculiar. I squinted my eyes and saw the words in capital: WILL YOU BE THE FROSTING TO MY CUPCAKE? The memories immediately flashed back. The reason why I never believed in that typical romance was because of this pink paper. Tears started forming in my eyes as I remembered all that happened on that day.

It was so close to the end of summer break. The last day of summer which I had spent my time with Jason, the captain of the swim team. He was perfect, everything every girl had dreamed off. He had gorgeous hazel eyes and a smile that can light up your day. Apart from being incredibly handsome, he had that personality which made me feel attracted to him. He was funny, optimistic and very protective. But I guess he was blinded by what he wanted and forgot about what he had. Yes, I had a major crush on him. In my mind, I pictured us to be together someday, but I guess day dreams will stay day dreams. All summer, he’s been eyeing this girl, Tyra. And, as everyone expected, was the most perfect, top notch gymnast in school. Next to her, I’m just a stain in the corner of the wall of a big house. There’s no way I’ll ever be his.

As the sunset across the valley, cherishing every moment I had with him, reminiscing the times we had spent with tutoring and video games, cooking and baking, laughing and crying. We were almost like best friends. I decided to brave myself to hand him the pink colored paper. My enthusiastic smile faded away when I saw him holding hands with Tyra. He looked over at me but didn't say anything, he didn't even smile. He looked happy as he finally hung out with his friends. And that’s when I realized that he’ll never be mine. All those days were just but a memory in his brain. Now that he’s gotten his girl and his friends, I guess its over for me. I crushed the paper and stuffed it in my pockets. With tears in my eyes, I walked past him and whispered “Goodbye Jason Henderson.” All he did was shrug. I was just another myth in his head. 

I snapped back to reality and noticed that the clothes were already in the washing machine. I wiped my tears as I noticed that the girls were getting ready to go out for, well, a formal event I guess? I guess I wasn't invited. I'll just join them in kick-back outside til they're done. The three girls were in front of my room. I walked over to join them but they had already closed the door and headed to the lounge. I could see tears in Cadence’s eyes. “What’s wrong Caddie?” I asked. But she didn't answer me at all. I shrugged away as she walked right past me. 

I tagged along with them in the car to their destination, but no one said a word. I decided to remain silent as well. It was awkward sitting in a car where everyone was wearing black and you’re there like “Nah, I’ll just wear white”. Aria took her turn, parking at the quiet cemetery. Why are they here anyway? I questioned myself but dare not make a sound. They walked along the grassy ground towards a tomb not far. Their eyes were already filled with tears before we got there. 

Aria held the girls’ hands and sat them around the tomb. “Hi, Melody! It’s been 4 years and we miss you terribly. We were reading Wattpad and it reminded us about how much you hated it. We decided to watch the videos we made together... remember?” The girls’ cries over powered the voice of Aria. “Every day we talk about how you... you would always clean up our rooms for us, so today we decided to change the curtains and the bed sheets to purple, your favorite color.” Tears filled Aria’s eyes. I stepped back a little, stunned by her words. “Your blue bunny slippers are still there too… We really do miss you.” Aria could no longer continue as she sobbed louder. The girls formed a circle and hugged each other. Curiosity got the best of me so I took a step closer and read the words on the tomb.

" "Everybody needs inspiration, everybody needs a song, a beautiful Melody, when the nights are long". Her love and support was our drive for a better tomorrow. You will always remain in our heart and soul, Melody Harper Clark. "

Shattered Hopes and Scattered Dreams

"Tell me why, you're so hard to forget. Don't remind me, I'm not over it."

-A Little Too Not Over You, David Archuleta

It was always you. You were the one giving me hope day by day. The one running through my mind hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second... I really thought that one day, maybe, just maybe... I won't have to dream anymore. My eyes gazed into the starry night sky as pictures of me and Cedric ran through my mind. Picture perfect moments could have been real if I just gave it a shot. But I'm a coward. Besides, it's too late now.

Imagine liking a person, for as long as you can remember. It's not an addiction, it's not an obsession. It's just a person that makes you feel like the world is not that bad after all. Cedric was one of those guys. He is one of the people in my life that mean the world to me. I get worried for no reason whenever he gets hurt; may it be physically or mentally. I tend to care about him a little too much. I fell head over heels, in the clouds, warm and fuzzy on the inside whenever he smiled. His smile. He deserves the best smile award. His shy smiles always meant something to me. 

Dreaming about one day, getting to let out all of what you felt towards him. Sending him little love notes and sharing your deepest secrets. Getting morning calls and meeting him at a place only the two of us would know. He was the one I wanted to spend my forever with. He was the one that could make my stomach do a perfect triple back flip which could have won first place in the Olympics. Cedric had a way of making me feel like I could fly with the little things he does. We were never together, we were never an item, we were barely even best friends. In fact, we were just two people who knew each other from school; Acquaintances. That is all we were. But I felt a connection. A spark. But, indeed, he obviously doesn't feel the same. 

Cedric won many girls' hearts. Not mine alone. He even won my parents hearts *which is really rare and hard for someone to do*. He was always with someone, every year if I'm not mistaken. He was the 'IT' guy everyone liked. Many girls have fallen in and out of love with him. And, in every moment, I felt his pain, his joy, his sadness, his happiness... Even if we're not best friends, even if he didn't tell me, I was there to share the moments from afar. I hated how I felt. I hated how I couldn't move on. I hated how I was so into him. I guess I fell too deep into this hole. 

There's always a time where he makes me feel like a freak. A freak who is obsessed with him. A person who always sniffs his butt, if you must. You can feel the coldness when he doesn't want to talk to you. When he's with his friends, he won't even look your way. But when he is alone, it's different. You don't need hints to know. I didn't understand WHY. Why does he have to act different around me when he has his pals by his side? Am I too ugly? too unsocial-able? too low-standard for you? It makes me feel so angry til the point where I start thinking that me and him are never going to have a future together, let alone being close friends. Me and Cedric, Cedric and I, we were nothing but a Grammy Award Winning love-story that will never happen. 

But, when his friends are not around, he turn into this person who I can never stay mad at. A person who makes me feel on top of the world! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?! Maybe I'm not the only girl who feels like this, maybe I am. You never really know.

I'm starting to think that it's better of this way. Cedric living his life and I'll live in mine. I'll keep on thinking he's that one guy who I'll never get, and he can go on chasing other girls. I'm already emotional about something so small like that. Imagine if we were together, the world would be drowning in my tears .

" Love is a damaging mistake and its accomplice, Hope, is a treacherous illusion." - Zaza Azahar (@ZZazot)

It's that time of year to erase you from my memory, maybe this time I won't leave any marks.

SORREHH

Aloha people who read my blog :D

 It's been a while. I've been caught up with my studies *WHAT A MIRACLE* and staying up really is no fun. :\ Anyway, I can't wait to share with you my next post. Just give me a while alright? x)

Behind the Foggy Mist...

"I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe, at the end of it all, you're still my best friend"

-Too Close, Alex Clare

Before I start on my rant of the day...

I look back to the past and I noticed that me and her fight (almost) every end of the year. It's always a different reason. But by the end of the day, We would still be friends. I question our friendship. Are we ultimate best friends? Is that why I can never stay mad at you forever? Is it because you mean a lot to me to the point where I am too afraid of losing you? Will this year end the same? 

There's always a reason for everything that happens. Maybe the choice of blogging my feelings isn't such a good thing. But the message gets passed anyways. Is it a sign that me and you are just not fit for each other? After all we've been through. The ups, the downs. Well. I take it as a lesson for all of us. Maybe by expressing my feelings, you would know how i feel....? Even if it means having to cut down a beautiful tree of friendship. I've been holding back those feelings of anger, frustration and sadness for way too long. Any longer then I'll explode into a million tiny pieces. "You can choose who you want in your life. Even if it means rejecting the people who want you in theirs." 

Right now, my feelings are tangled like split ends of hair, I just want to cut the end parts. Though, I regret nothing, instead I learn to move on and be a stronger person. Next year is going to be different. If drama comes knocking on my door, I'll just have to ignore everything and stay focused on what truly matters. I just don't want to feel the feelings of in-love, head-over-heels, anger, sadness, guilt... Negative thoughts have to wait for the next ride of The Emotional Roller Coaster; hopefully the ride will be delayed. 

Life is a roller-coaster of emotions, that's for sure. 

There's something people should start learning how to do, that is: Reading between the lines. I don't think you understood what I wrote the last time around. Just to clear the air, Heather (character of the 2nd last post) is not angry at Damian and Ellie together, AT ALL. Heather dislikes Damian and Ellie's ATTITUDE. Yes, world. Before you go on and make assumptions, please READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

I was also talking to one of my close friends about how some people don't get the main idea of things. Instead, they prefer to take down the details. For example --->

"UGH. I'M SO FRUSTRATED THAT I LOST MY SOCKS. IT WAS PINK, FLUFFY AND HAD STRIPES ON THEM. MAN, I WISH I KNEW WHERE THEY WERE. I REALLY LOVED THOSE SOCKS."

          - Main Idea
          - Details

See, being a friend is not about catching the details to my socks. It's about knowing that I am frustrated that I lost them. Still don't get it? Pretend someone sees me sad and angry at the same time. they come up to you and say "Hey, whats up with Nurin?" It wouldn't be logic for you to answer with "Her socks are pink fluffy and had stripes." Do you see now?

Another thing about humans is that sometimes we just wanna get over and done with when we read something that is long and doesn't matter. An easy example is HISTORY. We have so much to read til the point where we miss the other tiny bits and pieces. We skip to the main words all the time. And, well, different people, different ideas. You never know that those tiny words that you left out could have led you to and A+ But well, that's what you get. 

Reading is one thing. Understanding is another.

If you are like the people I listed, do read it again and UNDERSTAND the story. Because reading is one thing, understanding is another. I'm getting tired and sleepy. I just want to close my eyes and hide from everything right now. Good night, reader :)

p/s: I'm still afraid of losing you, I just need time to think things straight. Please understand that you still mean the world to me. 

Quick Post :)

Why Hello Readers :D

The last post I wrote changed a lot in my life. But, a part of me is saying that this is a start to moving on. Maybe I just need to leave the past behind and start a new chapter...? Well, There's one thing for sure. I've been listening to Chester *A LOT* and I came across this cover. Too Close by Alex Clare. It kind of describes my emotions....? 

Be sure to checkout Chester and Andy's version :


I'll blog more later I guess? haha. Tis All :)


You know I'm not one to break promises
I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe
At the end of it all, you're still my best friend
But there's something inside that I need to release
Which way is right, which way is wrong
How do I say that I need to move on
You know we're headed separate ways

And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I'll be on my way

You gave me more that I can return
Yet there's so much that you deserve
Nothing to say, nothing to do,
I've nothing to give
I must leave without you
You know we're headed separate ways

And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I'll be on my way

So I'll be on my way

And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There's nothing that I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I'll be on my way

So I'll be on my way
So I'll be on my way